Steel Panther: All You Can Eat review

Just when you thought they were gone and couldn’t get any wilder, Steel Panther have returned with All You Can Eat, which is by far their most lyrically out-of-this-world-obscene, vulgar, offensive and, most of all, epic record to date. Not to mention their most musically impressive.

Opening with “Pussywhipped,” it’s clear they aren’t here to play around and they’re ready to grab you by the balls and blow your…okay, poor choice of words- they’re here to make a statement. That statement can best be summarized by what the song says- “pussywhipped-your balls don’t have a chance.”

They also make sure to let you know that your girlfriend wears the pants. With this song alone, we’re off with a bang- not a gangbang, though- that happens at the old folk’s home later on in the album.

“Party Like Tomorrow is the End of the World” is your typical party track that just feels right. It’s a feel-good party rocking (not that LMFAO crap- real party rock) that should be cranked at high voltage with all the windows down and at all the cookouts when the spring and summer hit.

“Glory Hole” is exactly what you’d expect it to be from the title- a beautiful, sexy track about a glory hole in France and glory holes around the world.

“Glory Hole” is a rifftastic song about what a glory hole is all about- you don’t wanna know who’s on the other end. You hope it’s Jessica Biel but it could very well be Tommy Lee. Like they say on the song “No need for romance, come soil your pants at the glory hole. Do your deed and deposit your seed at the glory hole. Fill someone with goo at the glory hole, no one charges you at the glory hole.”

The only thing that could logically come after a glory hole is…you guessed it, Bukkake Tears and, if you guessed it would be a ballad, you guessed right!

And they give us “Bukkake Tears” like only the gentlemen in Steel Panther truly can. It’s as gorgeous and beautiful as it is dirty and offensive and is done in true Steel Panther form.

After leaving Bukkake Tears on your face Steel Panther keep the romance coming when they take you to the long-awaited Gang Bang at the Old Folks Home, which may be the hardest song to listen to with how much detail they go into.

Starting off with a David Lee Roth squeal, they go into so much gory and gruesome detail its hard to listen to but you can’t not listen to it with the infectious riffs and hooks.

Just when you think they can’t get any dirtier, they take it to another level with breaking out the anal references! It’s not a gangbang until someone starts licking ass and fisting.

If you didn’t like “Gang Bang at the Old Folks Home,” you’ve got 10 Strikes until you’re out with the next song.

“Ten Strikes Your Out” is straight to the point and is very reminiscent of ZZ Top  in the musical department.

Strike one came when he saw you winking at his girlfriend. He poked your eyes out so you’ll never wink again. Strike two was when you touched his damn iPhone, strike three came when you gave his dog VD. “How do you even give a dog VD? It’s beyond me.”

Starr doesn’t remember number four but you ain’t gonna do it no more, with strike five he makes it clear you’re racking up strikes faster than your mom gets Facebook likes, six and seven came as a pair and seems lower than your underwear.

Strike eight came when you made him double date with a bum dickhead and a bitch who was overweight, which made him irate. Nine was when you farted and some other dude’s sperm dribbled out of your ass and with 10 you drank his last beer so you’d better pack your shit and get out of there cuz everyone knows it’s 10 strikes you’re out.

With “Burden of Being Wonderful,” we get another semi-ballad that sees the band just talking about how much a gift from God they truly are to women…well, maybe they are. They probably are.

With All You Can Eat we get no euphemisms and no metaphors like you might expect from the album title and song titles. Instead we get music that’s very straightforward and some of the most sexually graphic material ever recorded.

When you throw in some of the most impressive throwback 80’s metal you can find, you get one home run of an album and the best record Steel Panther have recorded yet.

When you put all of this together, how can you not love this album?

Rating: 9/10

-Reggie Edwards